Confessions of a New Zealand General Practitioner

Your doctor has a very large burden of shame and guilt, and a lot of secrets

Imagine learning over your career that you are the tool of a fascist state.

Not only this, but you have also subverted and ruined the lives of hundreds of young people.

What would you do to stop people finding out the atrocities you have been taking part in?

From a young age, your goal in life was to care for people and cure disease, and naturally you thought that becoming a doctor was a noble path to take in pursuit of your dreams.

But now 20 years later, you sit at your desk, agonising over the next patients on your list. A young local couple, who have recently lost their 10 month old baby to SIDS.

You knew this couple well, having coached them through pregnancy, and they were only last in, at the start of the week, getting the scheduled vaccinations for their baby as per your recommendation.

Your mind wanders back to the young and excited student you once used to be, ready to fight disease and cure the world.

But no sooner had the ink dried on your student loan application, that signs started appearing that all was not what it seemed. You tried telling yourself that the horrible feeling deep in your gut was just nerves or anxiety, that you were just getting cold feet.

As the months and years went by at medical school, the more that nagging gut feeling gnawed away at the insides of your soul.

This was not what you had signed up for, you had been sold a lemon!

While in the past, your student loan filled you with pride and hope, it now only filled you with disgust and contempt.

And now, as you sit at your desk, preparing for the performance of your life, the images of dead babies fill your thoughts with self pity and regrets.

Convincing these parents the vaccine didn’t kill their child is as much about fooling yourself as it was them.

You try to console yourself that it’s not your fault, that this baby must have had some genetic abnormality, or that this is just a necessary part of your job, but you know there are no moral or ethical justifications for what you are about to do to these parents.

Your whole career depends on the successful gaslighting of these parents, to convince them the vaccine had nothing to do with their babies sudden death.

You hope they are the compliant type, who will only need a minimum of manipulation and pressure, the type that are too scared to challenge

The parents enter the room. Lights, cameras, action!